I am a bad blogger.....I have been missing for awhile again. Over the last month and a half, I have sat in front of the computer numerous times trying to write, but it has been too painful. Writing meant having to explain, one more time, what happened. Explaining hurts. Anyone dealing with infertility knows how explaining hurts. Explaining why you don't have kids, explaining that your latest treatment hasn't worked, explaining why "just relaxing" isn't going to get you pregnant, explaining, explaining, explaining. Blah!! But, I suppose it's part of the journey and in some way, it must make us stronger (even if I can't see it right now!).
Our birthmother gave birth to a boy on March 9th. She called on her way to the hospital asking me if I was ready to be a mom. She called after he was born to congratulate me on finally becoming a mommy. We talked throughout the night. I was on cloud nine. But then, at 8:00 am the following morning, our caseworker called to tell us that she had changed her mind and was going to keep the baby. I was frozen, as I felt my world collapse around me.
It is surprising how this failed adoption has brought back so much of my deepest, darkest infertility baggage. For so long, I felt like I was in a much better place than I had been for a long, long time. I felt like I had really dealt with a lot of my grief and loss issues related to our infertility. But then, BAM, it hit me right in the gut. A not-so-gentle reminder of how my body has failed me and how because of this failure, if I ever want to be a mom, I will have to keep putting myself through the wringer. I feel like I am back where I was two years ago--at my lowest point in the infertility journey. Clearly I have a lot more work to do.
After the fateful call from our worker, I went into hiding. I sent a message to my friends telling them I wasn't ready to talk and that I needed some time to myself. I allowed myself two weeks to feel miserable--crying, lying in bed, crying, eating cookies, crying, crying, and more crying. After two weeks, I decided it was time to get back to living. What I found out was that living is hard, especially when you have to do so much explaining. Everyone wants to know what happened, why it happened, and all of the dirty details. Augh.
And here we are, right back to the infertility dance. It seems like when you are dealing with infertility, or any other kind of loss for that matter, the person who is grieving ends up spending a lot of time trying to care for everyone else's feelings. When going through fertility treatments everyone wants to know how things are going. When you explain that the treatments aren't working, they start apologizing and saying all of those things that people say to try to make you feel better. And then, for me (and I think many other people), this weird thing happens where I feel like I need to comfort the other person; to tell them, "Oh, it's okay, I am fine...blah, blah, blah." Why don't we ever say, "Yeah, the pain in my heart is debilitating and most days I don't think I can go on living." Nope, instead we tell everyone that we are fine so that they don't feel uncomfortable.
After I returned to the world of the living, after my two-week cry-fest, I jumped right back into the lies; telling everyone I was okay, when most days I struggled to even get out of bed. I went to lunch with a friend who chastised me "disappearing off the face of the earth for two week." She was upset that I wasn't there for her--she too was upset that we lost the baby. I am now able to see how absurd it was for her to expect me to be there for her, but, of course, I starting apologizing and trying to comfort her. I need to work on this. I need to let people feel what they feel, but more importantly, allow myself to feel what I feel and to be honest with myself and other about my emotions.
To all of you reading this who are dealing with infertility, I challenge you to be truthful about your journey. This doesn't mean you have to tell everyone the details of the process but be honest. Allow yourself to be sad when you are sad, to hurt when you hurt, and don't apologize. You deserve to feel what you are feeling, without apology.
And to those of you reading who love someone who is dealing with infertility, I challenge you to support, acknowledge, and validate the feelings of those you love. Infertility is often a very lonely journey because people tend to keep their pain inside. Encourage your loved ones to talk about how they feel--how they
really feel. It will make a world of difference to them.