I have taken a break from blogging for quite some time.
During the few months that I was away, we had yet another match with a birthmom, got word that the match had fallen through, were told the match was back on again, and now have a beautiful seven-week-old son. Talk about ups and downs!
During the adoption process I considered what would become of my blog. I was under the allusion that my infertility woes would disappear once we finally had the baby we had been longing for and believed that I would end my blog once I was finally a mommy. Perhaps I was jumping the gun.
As much as I tried to tell myself that my infertility pains were over, I have noticed the sadness and jealous still creeping up on me—albeit far less often then before. When I look at my nephew, who is a mirror image of my sister, I feel a pang of envy because I know that I will never look into a face and see a melding of my husband and me. When I see a pregnant belly, I still find myself looking the other way because I continue to carry so much jealousy over the fact that I will never experience the feeling of a tiny life inside of me. When Aunt Flo came a week ago—for the first time since having my son—I felt the usual pain in my chest. I have tried to suppress those feeling, writing them off as lingering “habits” that would eventually go away.
A couple of days ago I called a pregnant friend of mine. I happened to catch her as she was leaving a doctors appointment. She gushed about how amazing it was to hear the baby’s heartbeat and see the ultrasound. After I hung up the phone, I felt a wave of sadness wash over me and was overcome with tears. And then the anger arrived—I feel angry with myself, because maybe I am not grateful enough for the beautiful gift of my son and maybe I am a bad mom for still grieving the loss of my fertility. For the last two days I have been apologizing to my son for the feelings of loss I still carry. Even though I love him more than I ever knew it was possible to love another person, I worry that it is not enough and I am a horrible mother because I still can’t seem to shake the infertility blues.
The path to motherhood has been extremely turbulent and painful for me. I know that it is unrealistic to expect the sadness and jealousy to disappear overnight but I hope those feelings continue to dissipate and that I can let go of the anger that these feelings have brought on.
I just checked in, randomly, to find this post! I am so so happy to hear about the arrival of your son!! Hope your whole family is doing well.
ReplyDeletePlease don't be too hard on yourself. What you express is pretty normal--and not a reflection of your love for your child. It's all going to be ok.
My son is 18 months old. Some of my pain has faded, and I have gotten better at accepting this may always be sensitive for me. Some of my reactions (anger, jealousy, grief) ARE habits and it takes a while to undo that. Even a few months ago, I had a pregnant co-worker I could barely look at. She had her first child when I was going through the darkest part of my infertility, and her second child brought up those emotions all over again. I looked at her and remembered it all! But even so, it wasn't as bad this time, and she did finally give birth, to my relief. :)
Thank you for your comment. I am so glad to know I am not alone on this!!
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