It is amazing how much the impending adoption feels like the "infertility wait". Those painful two weeks at the end of your cycle--waiting to see if you might actually have a baby or if the bottom will drop out, AGAIN. Now, we wait to see if the birth mother will change her mind--if this new bottom will drop out. And, there is still the ever-present infertility grief, constantly tugging at my heart strings.
Even before we started pursuing adoption, I must have heard the "adoption leads to pregnancy" comment a million times. It seems everyone "knows someone, who knows someone" who got pregnant after adopting. I can't count the number of times in the last three years that I have been told, "Well, why don't you just adopt, then you will get pregnant?!" Like somehow adopting will jump-start my non-functioning ovaries.
The reality is, this is NOT TRUE. Research shows that in only 8% of cases do infertile couples get pregnant after adoption (Psychosomatic Medicine, Vol. 33, No. 6). The fact of the matter is, adoption doesn't cure infertility. And, to insinuate that it does is a slap in the face. It is like telling me that my infertility is just in my head and not a medical condition. My non-functioning ovaries will not start functioning just because we adopt. Those two things are not related.
Infertility is a medical condition. My ovaries do not work. Adopting a baby will not fix that anymore than adopting a new puppy will. Inferring that adoption will "cure me" is a slap in the face, minimizing the years of pain I have experienced because of my infertility.
And, a note related more to adoption than to infertility: Saying that all I need to do to get pregnant is to adopt infers that I am using my adopted child to get what you deem as more desirable--a biological child. I will love my adopted child as if I had grown it in my own womb.
Thanks for this - I actually had beloved family tell me the exact same thing -- on the day our adoption was final, as if it was the true reason for the celebration. "Whew, now you will get pregnant!"
ReplyDeleteThe adoption journey is a very separate and distinct plan - separate from our struggles with our bodies and the way they stop just short of their intended purpose. Adoption wont fix that pain. It does however give you a son or daughter even better than one you would have conceived...Because you had to work much harder to find- and one that the big "dog" upstairs or fate or karma or whatever had to take extra time and effort during creation to put you three together- as it was meant to be. Here's hoping your meant to becomes soon!!!
As a lesbian with infertility, I always laughed so hard when people said this same thing to me. I usually would giggle and say something like, "Just think about that for a while..." I hate the implications that concept/statement has on straight women with infertility. I completely agree with you, you WILL love an adopted child as if you carried her. I know I love my 2-year-old in ways only a mother can love her baby, and I certainly did not biologically create her. Thanks for this post, keep 'em coming!
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